Glorious new years eve

So last night was a great new years eve.

Possibly the most fun I have had in a few years.

Nothing of course tops the first time sneaking out with Ni and Azza, but that's a golden memory.

Anyway so went to Tan's place and Vin and his house mates came, there were also two other girls.

It rained like a bitch getting to the club but it was fun running through the rain.

I felt that this rain was cleaning me of 2009 before I emerged for 2010 fresh.

2009 for me has been fine, but also it was quite stagnant for the first 6 months. I took alot of time thinking, I did alot of nothing. But you know what it's all part of the process.

Now I'm roaring.

So I got into the club, 30 mins before midnight and the music was good, there were lots of people but not too many. The others were room hopping and doing shots for a while and I decided not to drink so I just danced by myself sometimes. which was not bad, usually i'm really paranoid people will think im the guy who is dancing alot - but eh fuck the haters, I can dance by myself if I want to and you can all get fucked if you want to judge because I'm probably judging you right back.

Bad Romance was the first song I heard and danced to for 2010 and it was perfect. It was telling of my romantic experience so far - but I think change is coming.

I saw a mysterious stranger who caught my eye.

we smiled briefly and the night went on.

I saw people I knew and some surprises - a guy from a uni and one of my dad's co workers. We all had a good chat.

One of the things I'm working on about myself is the aura or impression I give off. I have been told many times that I give off an unapproachable, angry, upset aura. So I'm working on it.

Last night I smiled when people looked my way. I tried smiling with my eyes. I think it worked because I talked to more people than I had at a club in a long time. I'm also told I'm a nice person but then no one really knows what anyone is like until they meet them and talk. So I feel I need to give a better first impression.

The night continued and I danced and chatted with friends. It was good to be at a club with Jerome again because it reminded me of the thursdays from years ago. Good old dancing and chats.

I saw the plastics at this club. I pretty much only talk to Stephen because he's always been nice to me. But when I said a polite hello to the others, one of them gave me the "omg he's talking to me?" kind of look. And usually it would wreck my night. But I thought you know what? Fuck you, because you're all disgusting and you have no futures. I'm going places.

They're all tragic and so influenced by one and another. Ah well fuck those haters! I'm hotter than you all, and guess who I'm deleting off facebook after this post.

Anyway the climax of my night was when the mysterious stranger found me in the RnB room and came to me, we danced, grinded slowly and our faces came together, our lips barely touching and slightly pressing against one and other were still in amongst a room of people contorting awesomely. The brilliant new years kiss was finally mine and it was GLORIOUS!

Happy New Year!

Just a quick thing on food.

I just want to let you all know that I have also started a food blog.

www.meltabehodai.blogspot.com

Please read about my eating explorations if you like food.

I will still be updating this blog too when I'm all emo ha-ha-ha

Peace out lovers!

burned

Being away for a month couldn't have been better, but it couldn't have been worse.

The whole time I was away I was having the best time being free in a controlled situation.

Then a few days ago I got back and had this feeling.

Everything was the same, but not quite. Something seemed different.

I still can't work it out.

I was only gone for one month, I don't know what possibly could have changed.

I was on facebook before and it suggested I become a fan of

"I just spent all day with you, and I miss you already"

I wanted to cry so much but nothing really came out because its the same old situation.

So I re arranged my room and then put it back how it was, maybe i was trying to find something - make something new. But I realised midway - this was no refurbishment of my room, it was just changing around what I already had.

I wish that when I came back there was someone who missed me in particular, and someone who I could spend the day with and hug and tell all the stories of Japan.

Family & Friends go together and yes I can tell you all the stories.

But I want to be horizontal with someone and tell them those stories, someone who knows why I did what I did and laughs at my stupid antics and then I hear about this someone's adventures while I was gone.

and even though we had a lovely time seperately, we really missed eachother and look forward to those days in the future of just lazing around, silly arguments, days out, special moments.

I'm such a sook, but oh well aren't we all?

telling this to everyone is silly because what can anyone say?

"Don't worry the right person will come along"

"You just have to wait"

"It isn't your time"

"You just haven't met the right one"

"You need to put yourself out there"

I know I know, I've heard it all and I know that is how it logically goes.

BUT anyone in this situation knows how I feel.

When you get the feeling of loneliness it hangs around you for a while, and while it is with you, it is not a nice feeling.

The past two days

Have been a blast,

turns out I was wrong about the inhospitable truth - I think my mum was just a bit overwhelmed by the idea- but she was actually all good and had no problems and EVEN said he could stay a few more nights if he needed.

Aside from that, I realised something. I realised that sometimes no matter what has happened in the past, time will heal you, and usually you won't notice until a sunny day comes along and reveals it all.

I feel more than ever that I'm becoming more and more at peace with myself and the world around me. Last year for me was all about honest and bluntness, it was all about conflict and change. but now I have seen things and realised things and learnt a lot. I'm really happy with where I am.

Self reflection is good,

trying to think about life too much gets you nowhere.

trying to be so rational, trying to do everything right will do you more harm than good.

We learn the best from the mistakes we make. I look back on the past year and the year before, full of error and full of crap - and i can see why.

I'm glad i've made the mistakes - and i'll make some more, and some more. but ill learn from them - unless they kill me haha.

Bah I don't know where I'm going with this.

Since last year, I've felt change is approaching me,

I feel it getting closer, ever so slowly

and now i feel it closer than ever but it doesn't scare me.

I'm feeling more and more as I walk down the streets, sit on a tram, wait for a train or have a coffee that my time here is limited.

It's an inhospitable truth

So I think I've come to the realisation that despite appearences, my mother is not a hospitable as she makes out to be.
A friend of mine has come down from Japan and is staying with Rob's family for the month which is all good. But Tuesday night no one will be home in the Rob household so Rob's mum asked if it was okay if he stayed the night at mine, so I asked my mum.
*dread falls over her face like a wet blanked*
"What?! Where is he going to sleep? Why can't he just stay there home alone?"

Well A) he can sleep in my bed and I'll be on the floor, B) They have an alarm system and 3 pit bull terriers and you know what it's just common decency. The guy speaks very little english so it's not gonna be easy for him.

Then she says "Well yeah it's fine...but this isn't going to be a regular thing"

a regular thing?
Well dearest mother of mine. The last time we had a guest over for the night was more than a year ago. And generally my parents don't have people over that much. It's mainly my brother's girlfriend.
then I have them telling me sometimes "Well why don't you just have your friends over more often?"
LOL I'll tell you why - because it's awkward and SUCH an effort when there is SUCH resistance from the owners of the house.
THAT is why I'm not in the house most of the time.

NOW presumably I have wrecked mother's day. Because NOTHING could be worse than having to open your doors to someone for more than a few hours. Oh CURSES! It's JUST SO HARD!
Like God forbid I mention the number of times I have been graced by the good hospitality of friends and families who dont even know me that well. It also doesn't help that in my mind as much as I'd like to return the gesture - my mum would be so awkward about it that it'd be an ordeal.
I really don't know how it causes her any personal loss.
But then she kind of doesn't relax when guests are around, she's all like "OH YES of course I wear these clothes while I'm apparently relaxing and watching TV and yes my make up and hair is this good."
It's kind of funny, but on the main part I really feel sorry for her, that she works herself up into such a lather of things.

I'm the one giving up my bed, and I hardly care about doing that. Like it's one night out of countless spent in this house.
I really don't understand it, but then maybe I'm just selfish.
Maybe she is making some great personal sacrifice.
*shrugs*
Fucked if I know.

today

Today was filled with moments that made me think "I wish this would never end."

It started with going into the city with Mum and Dad which usually I dread because they are so funny about everything. Well I can tell you that today was different, we drove in and parked - and before I went to meet my assignment group they asked me to have a coffee with them. So we went to Cafenatics which is our usual haunt - and it is something we agree on - it is good coffee and food. Not only that, but the service is good, the staff are understated, you have to build up a relationship with them. None of this I'm your best friend even though you're a first time customer bullshit. You go back time and time again - they warm to you and you warm to them. It reminds me of the relationship you develop with a cat. You work at it, and you're rewarded.

Anyway so we sat there on the stools at the big table and flicked through magazines, had our coffee and shared some sweets and then after I'd finished I left to go meet Oscar and Zoe for our group meeting.

As I walked out, waving goodbye I had the most uplifting feeling wash over me. It was a feeling that made me smile to myself and gave me a spring in my step. It's the kind of start to the day that makes you think "You know what? Everything today is just going to work!".

I'm walking out of QV and onto Swanston Street, and just as I get to the curb - the man turns green to cross and I don't even have to stop. I walk past someone who smiles at me - I smile back and I feel so happy to be able to do everything I can do.

I pass the state library and there are people here and there in little groups chatting, playing music and doing what people do on green grass.

I duck into RMIT, walk up some stares and down a narrow hallway that opens into a bustling hive of people and computers.

I join Oscar and Zoe and we do our thing.

The next few hours consists of us working on our assignments, studying for the test - doing the test and then getting our assignments back and finding we had all passed.

Later on as we were on the tram going down Swanston Street I had another moment. I got off the tram at the corner of Bourke and Swanston Street and walked up a little, and there was a guy playing Moonlight Sonata on a keyboard. It was so beautifully played and the sounds just eminated throughout the street and into my body. The afternoon sun was amazing and I felt that the day could not be any better.

I just love days like this, they go so well - but there are so few of them. Even though this is the way life is, it is for these few beautiful days that I keep going so I can experience the next one, whenever it may be.

A fact of life

Well I woke up this morning and turned on my phone thinking "Hmm what would complete this day? Probably getting cancelled on. Well surely enough I turned on my phone and I got this:

"I'm sorry to do this, but can we pls reschedule for nxt wk? I've just woken up and am feeling shitty, this cold is coming back again. :( I'm sorry."

In other words - I'm hungover.

Oh well can't say I feel much, it's had happened that many times that I feel this is a nearly natural - daily occurrence.

Maybe even a fact of life.