I might disappear sometime this year.

Sometimes even when you have expected something,

you know how painful it's going to be,

but when it actually comes -

you can't quite comprehend the pain.

A sick feeling, then a cold wash, my skin prickles and I can hear my own heartbeat in my ear as it thumps furiously in my chest. It doesn't stop, and whatever it was that I had keeping me going is all but gone.

What now?

Is it possible to be so miserable and happy at the same time?

Apparently so.

With that said I think I'm seeing a light at the end of this tunnel - I really hope it is anyway.

Maybe it's just my eyes playing tricks on me.

Who knows really.

I just don't know if I can hold myself together much longer.

Looking at everything that's happened - it's comical, practically a joke. If it wasn't me and I'd heard about me I'd just laugh because I'd think - oh wow you're a great fool. I had such a decent harmony with myself and it's as if I have aimed to destroy it. It is as if I have tried to create pain in my life so it reins over the happiness that was growing.

I'd like to think I can try my best this time to not let it happen.

It rips me apart inside because I just like you so much,

so I really don't know if I will be successful,

because I not only have to stop myself - but I have to stop you,

I have to stop two people. Am I enough to do that?

Sometimes I wish I could forget everything.

I really do.

I'd just sit down on a park bench and feed the birds, so amused by their hustle and bustle.

That's it.

Wouldn't it be nice?

I'm so morally wrong right now.

But I love you so much that I will be

selfish and keep you as long as I can.

I really need to make this mistake.

Thanks.

I know you need to as well.

Life

Let us celebrate that which is doomed to fade.

Let us cherish that which is fragile and impermanent.

Look to the beauty of the ephemeral and transitory -

and savour the passing of time.

Creased out

So after the non reply I calmed down for a while.

Thinking oh yeah whatever, another cunt, another day.

But then on Thursday when I went out to IQ,

I was having a good time, dancing the night away.

Then the NONREPLIER appeared.

At first, I was fairly unfazed.

Then as I was leaving, I bumped into NON REPLIER

and I got this face:

Yeah it was AWESOME.

I had that awesome stabby-pain-in-the-stomach-pain

you tend to get when you have the

utter feeling of rejection wash over

you.

In a fit of rage I went home (as planned).

THEN the next day,

I thought to myself, FUCK YOU

I'm going to be a dick an message you

and tell you exactly what I think

of your behaviour

but I will do it in such a way

it makes me look more mature

and you look like a child.

SO I did.

And NONREPLIER

REPLIED!

And was completely apologetic about the whole situation that was bubbling away since last week.

Basically asked for my forgiveness and told me why (didn't want to hurt my feelings)

and then yeah so after that said "look i'd like to be friends if you like"

and you know what - sure. I'll forgive.

and I was interested. NOT obsessed (but kind of)

like I can go either way when im interested in someone.

So I'm going down the friends path with this one.

But I'm happy with that.

and I'm happy I didn't bottle my emotions up

- confrontation can be good. :)

Dignify me with a fucking response!

I went on my first date in ages.

It goes okay

BUT where is the problem you may ask?

Well when I sent a message afterwards saying "hey thanks for the coffee. would you like to hang out again sometime?"

NO response

like nothing.

Sure i'd be disappointed with a no - but its better than nothing at all.

It wasnt like i sent it immediately afterwards either, it was like 2 or 3 hours later.

Whatever. Looks like i'll have fun awkwardly bumping into you, because we both go to RMIT