I really want to lobotomise myself.

Why am I always ditched for ugly people with no goals?

It makes me so annoyed.

I was just looking at your page and I noticed that the person who was ultimately chosen over me is someone who wears SOCKS WITH FUCKING SANDALS! and the velcro kind too.

Ergh makes me sick.

That's okay mum,

It doesn't matter that I've dropped everything to try and help you out since yesterday.

Geee don't crack the fucking shits because I accidently through some fish at the bottom of a pot.

I know your stressed and emotionally volatile but seriously - did you have to do that in front of papou?

Whatever.

I'm gonna hang out the washing and then do my fucking homework.

I might disappear sometime this year.

Sometimes even when you have expected something,

you know how painful it's going to be,

but when it actually comes -

you can't quite comprehend the pain.

A sick feeling, then a cold wash, my skin prickles and I can hear my own heartbeat in my ear as it thumps furiously in my chest. It doesn't stop, and whatever it was that I had keeping me going is all but gone.

What now?

Is it possible to be so miserable and happy at the same time?

Apparently so.

With that said I think I'm seeing a light at the end of this tunnel - I really hope it is anyway.

Maybe it's just my eyes playing tricks on me.

Who knows really.

I just don't know if I can hold myself together much longer.

Looking at everything that's happened - it's comical, practically a joke. If it wasn't me and I'd heard about me I'd just laugh because I'd think - oh wow you're a great fool. I had such a decent harmony with myself and it's as if I have aimed to destroy it. It is as if I have tried to create pain in my life so it reins over the happiness that was growing.

I'd like to think I can try my best this time to not let it happen.

It rips me apart inside because I just like you so much,

so I really don't know if I will be successful,

because I not only have to stop myself - but I have to stop you,

I have to stop two people. Am I enough to do that?

Sometimes I wish I could forget everything.

I really do.

I'd just sit down on a park bench and feed the birds, so amused by their hustle and bustle.

That's it.

Wouldn't it be nice?