Glorious new years eve

So last night was a great new years eve.

Possibly the most fun I have had in a few years.

Nothing of course tops the first time sneaking out with Ni and Azza, but that's a golden memory.

Anyway so went to Tan's place and Vin and his house mates came, there were also two other girls.

It rained like a bitch getting to the club but it was fun running through the rain.

I felt that this rain was cleaning me of 2009 before I emerged for 2010 fresh.

2009 for me has been fine, but also it was quite stagnant for the first 6 months. I took alot of time thinking, I did alot of nothing. But you know what it's all part of the process.

Now I'm roaring.

So I got into the club, 30 mins before midnight and the music was good, there were lots of people but not too many. The others were room hopping and doing shots for a while and I decided not to drink so I just danced by myself sometimes. which was not bad, usually i'm really paranoid people will think im the guy who is dancing alot - but eh fuck the haters, I can dance by myself if I want to and you can all get fucked if you want to judge because I'm probably judging you right back.

Bad Romance was the first song I heard and danced to for 2010 and it was perfect. It was telling of my romantic experience so far - but I think change is coming.

I saw a mysterious stranger who caught my eye.

we smiled briefly and the night went on.

I saw people I knew and some surprises - a guy from a uni and one of my dad's co workers. We all had a good chat.

One of the things I'm working on about myself is the aura or impression I give off. I have been told many times that I give off an unapproachable, angry, upset aura. So I'm working on it.

Last night I smiled when people looked my way. I tried smiling with my eyes. I think it worked because I talked to more people than I had at a club in a long time. I'm also told I'm a nice person but then no one really knows what anyone is like until they meet them and talk. So I feel I need to give a better first impression.

The night continued and I danced and chatted with friends. It was good to be at a club with Jerome again because it reminded me of the thursdays from years ago. Good old dancing and chats.

I saw the plastics at this club. I pretty much only talk to Stephen because he's always been nice to me. But when I said a polite hello to the others, one of them gave me the "omg he's talking to me?" kind of look. And usually it would wreck my night. But I thought you know what? Fuck you, because you're all disgusting and you have no futures. I'm going places.

They're all tragic and so influenced by one and another. Ah well fuck those haters! I'm hotter than you all, and guess who I'm deleting off facebook after this post.

Anyway the climax of my night was when the mysterious stranger found me in the RnB room and came to me, we danced, grinded slowly and our faces came together, our lips barely touching and slightly pressing against one and other were still in amongst a room of people contorting awesomely. The brilliant new years kiss was finally mine and it was GLORIOUS!

Happy New Year!

Just a quick thing on food.

I just want to let you all know that I have also started a food blog.

www.meltabehodai.blogspot.com

Please read about my eating explorations if you like food.

I will still be updating this blog too when I'm all emo ha-ha-ha

Peace out lovers!

burned

Being away for a month couldn't have been better, but it couldn't have been worse.

The whole time I was away I was having the best time being free in a controlled situation.

Then a few days ago I got back and had this feeling.

Everything was the same, but not quite. Something seemed different.

I still can't work it out.

I was only gone for one month, I don't know what possibly could have changed.

I was on facebook before and it suggested I become a fan of

"I just spent all day with you, and I miss you already"

I wanted to cry so much but nothing really came out because its the same old situation.

So I re arranged my room and then put it back how it was, maybe i was trying to find something - make something new. But I realised midway - this was no refurbishment of my room, it was just changing around what I already had.

I wish that when I came back there was someone who missed me in particular, and someone who I could spend the day with and hug and tell all the stories of Japan.

Family & Friends go together and yes I can tell you all the stories.

But I want to be horizontal with someone and tell them those stories, someone who knows why I did what I did and laughs at my stupid antics and then I hear about this someone's adventures while I was gone.

and even though we had a lovely time seperately, we really missed eachother and look forward to those days in the future of just lazing around, silly arguments, days out, special moments.

I'm such a sook, but oh well aren't we all?

telling this to everyone is silly because what can anyone say?

"Don't worry the right person will come along"

"You just have to wait"

"It isn't your time"

"You just haven't met the right one"

"You need to put yourself out there"

I know I know, I've heard it all and I know that is how it logically goes.

BUT anyone in this situation knows how I feel.

When you get the feeling of loneliness it hangs around you for a while, and while it is with you, it is not a nice feeling.

The past two days

Have been a blast,

turns out I was wrong about the inhospitable truth - I think my mum was just a bit overwhelmed by the idea- but she was actually all good and had no problems and EVEN said he could stay a few more nights if he needed.

Aside from that, I realised something. I realised that sometimes no matter what has happened in the past, time will heal you, and usually you won't notice until a sunny day comes along and reveals it all.

I feel more than ever that I'm becoming more and more at peace with myself and the world around me. Last year for me was all about honest and bluntness, it was all about conflict and change. but now I have seen things and realised things and learnt a lot. I'm really happy with where I am.

Self reflection is good,

trying to think about life too much gets you nowhere.

trying to be so rational, trying to do everything right will do you more harm than good.

We learn the best from the mistakes we make. I look back on the past year and the year before, full of error and full of crap - and i can see why.

I'm glad i've made the mistakes - and i'll make some more, and some more. but ill learn from them - unless they kill me haha.

Bah I don't know where I'm going with this.

Since last year, I've felt change is approaching me,

I feel it getting closer, ever so slowly

and now i feel it closer than ever but it doesn't scare me.

I'm feeling more and more as I walk down the streets, sit on a tram, wait for a train or have a coffee that my time here is limited.

It's an inhospitable truth

So I think I've come to the realisation that despite appearences, my mother is not a hospitable as she makes out to be.
A friend of mine has come down from Japan and is staying with Rob's family for the month which is all good. But Tuesday night no one will be home in the Rob household so Rob's mum asked if it was okay if he stayed the night at mine, so I asked my mum.
*dread falls over her face like a wet blanked*
"What?! Where is he going to sleep? Why can't he just stay there home alone?"

Well A) he can sleep in my bed and I'll be on the floor, B) They have an alarm system and 3 pit bull terriers and you know what it's just common decency. The guy speaks very little english so it's not gonna be easy for him.

Then she says "Well yeah it's fine...but this isn't going to be a regular thing"

a regular thing?
Well dearest mother of mine. The last time we had a guest over for the night was more than a year ago. And generally my parents don't have people over that much. It's mainly my brother's girlfriend.
then I have them telling me sometimes "Well why don't you just have your friends over more often?"
LOL I'll tell you why - because it's awkward and SUCH an effort when there is SUCH resistance from the owners of the house.
THAT is why I'm not in the house most of the time.

NOW presumably I have wrecked mother's day. Because NOTHING could be worse than having to open your doors to someone for more than a few hours. Oh CURSES! It's JUST SO HARD!
Like God forbid I mention the number of times I have been graced by the good hospitality of friends and families who dont even know me that well. It also doesn't help that in my mind as much as I'd like to return the gesture - my mum would be so awkward about it that it'd be an ordeal.
I really don't know how it causes her any personal loss.
But then she kind of doesn't relax when guests are around, she's all like "OH YES of course I wear these clothes while I'm apparently relaxing and watching TV and yes my make up and hair is this good."
It's kind of funny, but on the main part I really feel sorry for her, that she works herself up into such a lather of things.

I'm the one giving up my bed, and I hardly care about doing that. Like it's one night out of countless spent in this house.
I really don't understand it, but then maybe I'm just selfish.
Maybe she is making some great personal sacrifice.
*shrugs*
Fucked if I know.

today

Today was filled with moments that made me think "I wish this would never end."

It started with going into the city with Mum and Dad which usually I dread because they are so funny about everything. Well I can tell you that today was different, we drove in and parked - and before I went to meet my assignment group they asked me to have a coffee with them. So we went to Cafenatics which is our usual haunt - and it is something we agree on - it is good coffee and food. Not only that, but the service is good, the staff are understated, you have to build up a relationship with them. None of this I'm your best friend even though you're a first time customer bullshit. You go back time and time again - they warm to you and you warm to them. It reminds me of the relationship you develop with a cat. You work at it, and you're rewarded.

Anyway so we sat there on the stools at the big table and flicked through magazines, had our coffee and shared some sweets and then after I'd finished I left to go meet Oscar and Zoe for our group meeting.

As I walked out, waving goodbye I had the most uplifting feeling wash over me. It was a feeling that made me smile to myself and gave me a spring in my step. It's the kind of start to the day that makes you think "You know what? Everything today is just going to work!".

I'm walking out of QV and onto Swanston Street, and just as I get to the curb - the man turns green to cross and I don't even have to stop. I walk past someone who smiles at me - I smile back and I feel so happy to be able to do everything I can do.

I pass the state library and there are people here and there in little groups chatting, playing music and doing what people do on green grass.

I duck into RMIT, walk up some stares and down a narrow hallway that opens into a bustling hive of people and computers.

I join Oscar and Zoe and we do our thing.

The next few hours consists of us working on our assignments, studying for the test - doing the test and then getting our assignments back and finding we had all passed.

Later on as we were on the tram going down Swanston Street I had another moment. I got off the tram at the corner of Bourke and Swanston Street and walked up a little, and there was a guy playing Moonlight Sonata on a keyboard. It was so beautifully played and the sounds just eminated throughout the street and into my body. The afternoon sun was amazing and I felt that the day could not be any better.

I just love days like this, they go so well - but there are so few of them. Even though this is the way life is, it is for these few beautiful days that I keep going so I can experience the next one, whenever it may be.

A fact of life

Well I woke up this morning and turned on my phone thinking "Hmm what would complete this day? Probably getting cancelled on. Well surely enough I turned on my phone and I got this:

"I'm sorry to do this, but can we pls reschedule for nxt wk? I've just woken up and am feeling shitty, this cold is coming back again. :( I'm sorry."

In other words - I'm hungover.

Oh well can't say I feel much, it's had happened that many times that I feel this is a nearly natural - daily occurrence.

Maybe even a fact of life.

Headache

Eucalyptus scented mopping is making my head hurt.

Not as painful as the 9:30 - 12:30 Japanese class I skipped this morning.

Pffft

Sigh-DESIRE-Sigh

You know that feeling that gets less frequent as the years pass?

The feeling that makes you tingle and think "OH god what are you doing?! I want to be with you"

You get distracted from your daily life.

Everything starts relating to the one that makes you feel like this.

You notice the amount of people with that name.

You notice things that person says popping up all around you, like they are writing your story and you are walking through it unknowingly. Of course they aren't BUT sometimes you feel that way.

Then you start thinking about fate and all related bullshit romance. Then you think and think and you see the mortality of the romance before it begins.

Well why is that?

for obvious reasons.

The one time in almost a year I find someone I want and who I assume wants me and it is impossible. Oh well.

Times like this all we can say is FML

Uh oh

Hmm so I'm lacking motivation this semester at uni and surprise surprise it's reflected in my grades.
Oh well I'm not failing. But still, it isn't my best.
Makes my stomach knot.

Sometimes

Sometimes I really wonder why I let my gaurd down time and time again.
I get the feeling now that I've done it this time, it will be a spectacular fuck up just like every other time. But I guess this is the first time in a long time I've felt something like this.

21 tomorrow

Blah very interesting. I honestly don't feel it.
I'm excited but in a way that could be described as the following:
"Well I SHOULD be feeling this but I don't, however it would be best if I pretended."
It's only a number.
BUT what I am excited about is seeing people who I love, having a good night of drinking, eating and catching up.
ALSO I hate people who have decided to not come last minutes.
This is you IF:

YOU rsvp'd to my birthday party and oh I don't know GAVE me your word, then OH wait - had a law commitment. Pfft stupid bitch.
Coming at 11 o'clock doesn't quite cut it. I'm sorry but I'm more fucking important than an Indian concert.
I'm ALSO more important than a LAW show, a LAW SHOW?

Jesus.

Anyway, I'm quite curious to see how many "I'm so sorry babez I told you I could cum but something has come upppp, have fun though !!!!"

Everyone says, don't worry about it because all your loved ones are there.
I know, but it does hurt that for ONE evening certain people can't commit to spending time with you when they said they could.
Bah!
Humbug I say.

I'm loving the cure at the moment. ALSO loving the idea of going underwear shopping last week.

What do I hate these days?

Oh I don't know -

maybe my bad luck with dating, like disgusting luck!
How disgusting?
first date, doesnt talk, doesnt interact, apologises via text then confesses love *hint, that wasn't me, it was the person I went on the date with* BARF

also I hate uni right now.
My japanese teacher is so obviously lonely it is painful to watch, she spoon feeds us and is very fake sometimes. The strain is entertaining.

I haven't done much homework at all. I have 4 assignments due next week and I havent started any. Meh.

I went driving with mother tonight, and she was irritating me so i drove on the wrong side of the road in our street for shits and giggles. I clearly don't recognise how dangerous driving can be. HENCE why I shouldn't be driving. She started asking me questions like "do you have something on your mind?" and I was thinking, lol if you want me to have the third consecutive breakdown before my birthday for three years running well no, it ain't happening this year.

The fence is up to block out the neighbours, but will anything change? nooooo of course not.
Diagnose the symptom not the problem, duh!

I think I'll definately be travelling to japan but I need to work out how much this shit is gonna cost me, yen started getting stronger again, boo, go back to recession Japan, just until I do my exchange.

ALSO i love that Rob is back, makes me happy and wet.
I feel like playing Wii.

Cya

PS HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I can do whatever the hell I want

Well this weekend has been awesomely awesome! I had a great party on saturday night at which I got so fucked up it was excellent. It's the kind of party where you walk in, you know a few people - but everyone is totally chill and sitting next to anyone is easy an hour long conversation of trips to germany and "this is how i got that scar" and "look what I can do with my testicles"
It was great.
You'd also expect to turn around and see lady gaga in the corner snorting coke off some rickety old coffee table.
The music was great, dancing all round.

Last night I had a masquerade party which was in romsey in the country - but this guy, his parents bought the old bank on the main street and convrted it into a home - totally awesome! everyone was walking around with masks on, drinking in corners in this victorian style delight of a building. Old people, Young People - it was a great mix of class and un-class. I will say that I look positively fetching in my outfit, this token bathroom photo below demonstrates this:



Mm but then I got home right, thought i'd check my emails and all that jazz - as one does at 3am.
THEN upond logging onto msn, i had three people tell me to "Go to sleep! It's so late! why are you up?"
Um yes but excuse me - you people are up also.
One person said "Look I really wanna talk to you, but its just to late"
I didn't even start the conversation?
I just find it odd and actually quite insulting that these people who are CLEARLY not sleeping - are telling me I should sleep.
Well shut the fuck up, only my mum can tell me to go to sleep.

Oh well boo to all that.
Peace out.

PS brother of mine who is younger - DO NOT tell mum and dad that I did infact get fucked up at this party - let's stick to the "i only had 2 drinks from ecoli infected glass" story.

Oh hai yeah I see you

I often think about life, circumstance and how we feel. One thing I will always strongly believe is that for someone to be content they need to have purpose and some degree of routine.
Without it, life is maddening. It's a joke.
With uni starting again I feel the glorious technicolour return to normality, I feel my mood reaching new highs.

Also I have the perfect tram song everyone. It is Electricity by the Avalanches.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vI89J55wZj8

I also feel this will be the song in the final scenes of my story when a character waves goodbye to everyone before hopping onto a tram that dissapears into a mist. This is the character leaving the world in a really corny way, but for some reason I find it really poignent and emotional for me - in the context of this story anyway. Maybe sometimes I wish escaping for me were as easy as hopping on a tram that never came back like the character in my story.
Not because I actively want to escape but, I like that I could have that option there.
Just like in a video game when you can just go into another world with no hassles.

Time to shut my eyes

OH MADE MY NIGHT!

I love it when people who think they are SO good, take so many photos of themselves.
Throw in denial of true age + drugs + binge drinking and you have some fugly shit called Daniel Dugong - HAAH
You're so fucking ugly now it makes me laugh, i love how im still youthful and pretty and you've gone down hill.

I'm so bitter and vengeful I LOVE IT.

Rejection
Being mislead
being forgotten

these things have all happened to me so much in the last two weeks that it has gotten to the point where i want nothing more than to just stop. I can't function properly, even my own fucking computer rejects me.
I hate my fucking life.

Just thought I'd say

No matter how many times I say, no matter how many good things I do, it still happens.
FUCKING people canceling on me last minute, PEOPLE being late.
For fucksake check your fucking diaries because I check mine, and I don't say I can meet you unless I know I can.
Did you know that I do SO many good things for people - yes that's right, I'm saying this and I dont care if you aren't supposed to.
I give money to homeless people, I help blind people get to where they need to, I even let randoms use my phone because they are out of credit or lost their phone.
Like seriously, what do I do to deserve to be canceled on time and time again when I really don't do anything to deserve it.
Like sure if these things don't warrant good karma then fine - but you know what, im not a bad person, im just a person.
I hate that I get angry about this, but I do.
FML

These people are cunts

Take a good look at these people.
They are fucks.
Here we have the one on the right who would have to be one of the stupidest people I know.
Oh by the way bitch ur fucking chin makes ur face look like a man and you're ugly - this is why you're a fucking radio presenter.
On the left - retard , probably a homo you can so tell - sham marriage - kids for pressure - casual racist and dum arse.
They think its smart to be all controversial with their humour but ACTUALLY they aren't.
People who constantly target indians because of their accents and gay people for being promiscuous. You stupid cultureless fucks.

So today you crossed the line - Michael Jackon - here we go. You think oh no its some rabid fan. Well look he was cool but i wouldnt say i was a huge fan. I respected him as a genius and someone who despite having so much money and success, was hounded down by the media and judging eyes of the world.
these two fuckers thought - hey lets just CALL him a pedophile and lets say he was a weirdo and a freak because we can - oh yeah the reason is because we're so fucking intellectual and we can say whatever we like.
You wanted people to call up with their opinions and they gave them - most of them didnt agree - but you didn't wanna hear it.
That poor publicist - you didnt wanna hear that she was actually sad about his death. Yeah she was suing him but she didnt wanna talk about it.
You are shocking people and it makes me sick that people like you represent our country on the airwaves.
If you didnt like him then just dont say anything - dont say anything.
When anyone dies just have some respect, you dont have any culture - sorry i forgot.

Ya know

Revenge is perfectly acceptable.
People say it isn't satisfying.
But you know what? Neither is being a good person.
So fuck you, and you and you over there - oh yeah and ESPECIALLY you.
I can't wait to get to the top.

1:26 - 1:31

It's half past one and I'm sitting here, I feel disappointed.
It happens over and over again and yet I don't learn.
I wish I could function properly.
I wish I was working tomorrow so I had something else to think about
and that I didn't have that conversation.
I wonder what I'll do.
Now I'm looking at what I've written and the abundance of 'I' is irking me.
But what can I do?
We're all just so fucking self centered right?
In the end that's all it comes down to,
the fucking individual.
You don't get fuck all for being nice.
I hope I'm ruthless soon.
Until then, time to cry.

Stalking

I love stalking,
I love having crushes that go nowhere.
The mystery is mint and the unknown gives me a thrill I don't usually feel.
The best thing is when the object of your imagined affection randomly crosses paths with you,
then you think and wish that it was meant to be and it would be a story to tell your family one day.

Sadly not.

Bon voyage peace!

Last night I dreamed of leaving.
It's been a long time since I've dreamed something like that.
But to be perfectly honest, I missed those dreams. I love every second of them.

The monotony of everyday life is good when you don't think, but after a while your mind begins to wonder away from the dishes you're washing or the program you've been watching at 7:oo every night for the past few months. Curling up on the couch for a while each night, making constant cups of piping hot tea and lazing by the computer chatting away to a few close friends.
As comforting as this is, shadows start to creep in. From the vent on my ceiling, through the space under my door. At first I believe it to be the world playing tricks on my eyes, perhaps just a scuff mark on the wall?
But then it covers the paper I read, the screen I glue my eyes to - and finally as I lie there at night waiting for sleep to come, these shadows enter my mind.
It started when I was reading about a journalist in Papua New Guinea who had to report the death of his two friends to the rest of the world. He came close to death himself a number of times. As I held the newspaper and read this fragmant of his life story, I thought wow fancy that - imagine being in an environment where the reality of death wasn't eating the wrong foods or being hit by a car. Where the reality of death is more like being chased by ten or so soldiers, guns blazing.
Interesting.

By the way, I have an exam today which I haven't studied for. I'll rely on the fact other people seem to think i'm smart so that I get a HD.
Alright, it's a deal.
See you there.

Housekeeping

Tomorrow I have voluntarily chosen to sit in a room for 6 or so hours and listen to something about a development for a gaming thing.
6 hours?!
What the fuck?

Oh well, I'm sure it'll do me good. It'll keep me from spending money because I spend two hundred today because I was bored. Two hundred that should have gone towards my social life this weekend.
I love money, I don't care what people say - money does make you happy.
I'm so generation Y right now.

I'm imagining my life in the future:

Victorian Terrace with a small front garden, and a courtyard around the back.
I'm living in Carlton, or Moonee Ponds or Flemington or somewhere like that.
Lots of cafes and eateries around me. And I have cats.
Every weekend I go to have breakfast with some friends and we all talk about our week,
then we make plans for the night and either have a dinner party, get drunk, see a movie, try a new restaurant.
I don't know if I have a partner or not, or kids.
But this is my life in the future.
I won't have a mortgage.
I won't own a car unless it's electric.
I will have an awesome vintage bike.
I will buy my stuff market fresh.
I will travel a lot.
I will have written a book and I'll be semi-famous for it.
I will be an urban planner who's made big change.

Oh yes this will be my life and I'm excited for it.

I hate you (because im SO intellectual)

I hate people who think they're so intellectual that they say the most insulting thing to you, but oh wait you can't get angry at them because they were being intellectually sarcastic - and if you didn't realise that then you're obviously not smart.

People who do this are like the people who are the 'genius' behind The Chasers. Sure its funny sometimes, but come on there is a time and a place. Keep it in moderation.
By the way my rant isn't about the chasers it is about a certain graduate of Melbourne University who everytime I bump into him is very "Ohhh so you're going to RMITafe now?"
But oh silly me he is JUST joking - he really isn't.
WELL have fun drinking goon sacks every weekend and getting fucked by randoms - oh wait I just forgot! You're so smart you're trashy!
But don't worry because the next day you can sit around with your friends in your rent house somewhere in carlton/fitzroy/parkville and be so intellectual and insult the whole world which you are CLEARLY better than - THAT is why you're still out of work and not running the world. SILLY me you're so smart you don't have a job with your FUCKING amazing arts degree.

Oh I LOVE myself and how hateful I am.

Oh ps, to randoms who may never read this (and that aren't people who usually read it): If you think picking up on grammatical errors is smart or puts me in my place, no it doesn't - it just makes you look like a stupid douche.

Outside this house the world keeps turning.
I ignored it and life was good.
Then I looked out the window and realised how much it had turned.
Time to shut the fucking blinds again before I make myself sick.

one-legged

So on tuesday I badly sprained my ankle,

sounds bad but then not too bad right?

Sure it could have been worse, I could have damaged my back or anything else.

But when the doctor said I need to be in bed for a week or more and not do anything except have

my fucking foot in the air, its kind of daunting.

a) I can't shower freely, actually I can't shower - I have to get into the undersized bath sitting in my own filth. My mum washes my hair with a pot.



b) I eat and eat and eat but I don't move, and you know what that means...



c) I actually have few other options but to study for my exams.

d) I have missed out on approximately 4 parties.

e) I can't fucking groom myself. My eyebrows are growing back madly and in weird patches, I haven't properly exfoliated in days so my skin is lumpy, I'm getting pimples.



f) I was meant to have a haircut I'm already overdue for and yeah its fucked up my hair looks like my grandmothers hair (dad's side) which is...interesting to say the least.

g) I also have to watch my mum clean the house all day and waste her life away because since i was the only other person whoever did anything its all up to her now, apparently no one else in the house can follow through with what they do and I TOTALLY agree.

Anyway whatever I cant wait to be fucking beautiful again.

Never ever look back (believe me)

Okay so I just got my online statement for my spending this month - and I've done pretty well actually, I thought I would compare it to the months going back.
Then I got to november-january of 08 and saw that I somehow earned the amount of money I earned last financial year in a two month period and then spent it all in that two month period.
I really didn't believe it. That's fucked up and irresponsible.
I really had no control over my spending last year in that time.
That's fucked up.
I really don't even know what I spent it on.
I could have gone on a fucking holiday!
I did put under half in savings which I still have - but that is still a lot that I spent in a short time.
I'm glad I don't spend like that anymore.

I don't understand why you have to pick the weekends I have things on that I can't get out of.
For the past two months I have been at home on Sundays doing nothing.
You don't invite them over.
But today, the day I have to go for a group assignment you invite them over.
And then, you have the nerve to make me feel guilty for it.
"Oh it's okay, you don't have to see your Grandparents if you don't want to..."
What the fuck kind of comment is that?
It isn't that I don't want to see them, but honestly we've had MANY opportunities to go see them and it isn't my fault you picked an inconvenient time.
I hate it when this happens.
I really do, and you know what there is nothing I can do about it.
I've tried suggesting we go down to see them but there is always one excuse or another.

The drama of drama free

I love that my life has been drama free lately,

but that in itself is a drama, because I'm so used to having something eating away at me that when nothing is - the nothingness eats away at me.

OKAY Jerome I will update my twitter for you.

Also twittering

I'm www.twitter.com/nnfn

follow me and you can find out when I do uneventful things.

Me? Nah, I'm busy with life.

So that is what someone said to me when I asked them if they were seeing someone.
Now typically, I wouldn't really think too much of a response like this.
But in the context of the person who we're discussing here it is kind of irritating.

Basically, he is one of those..."I live everyday like its my last. Live life to the fullest. I need to be extreme otherwise I'm not living." kinds of people. And to the point that he doesn't appreciate the quieter yet meaningful moments in life.

I honestly just found this comment from him to be very stand off-ish. As if to say to me "yeah sure you can date people but I want to live to I'm going to pass on that.
Now don't get me wrong, I love being single, and I love doing my own thing.
But I think that when you find someone and you both respect each other - those things aren't compromised.
Maybe he just has the impression that is what happens.
I suppose what annoyed me most was that I couldn't really talk to him about this because he's probably be offended.
I sometimes get the impression that he views my comparatively quieter lifestyle as boring or wasted. That makes me a bit angry.
I know I shouldn't care what other people think in regards to how I live my life, but I think that it still ain't a nice feeling.
I wish I couldn make him understand that its just good to go with the flow, and sure step out of your comfort zone. But you don't have to do it all the time. Just to prove a point.

Oh well yeah sorry if what I'm saying is disagreeable but I think that I just wanted to vent.

Fool

Music plays around him and licks his ear in the way that always made him writhe in ecstasy.

At this time he felt the opposite.

His head rested limply, cupped in his right hand. Fingers coming to rest beneath his brow, on his forehead and along his cheek.

Eyes closed with fatigue, pain and hurt.

His heart beat more than in should - and with each beat he knew that one day this anxiety, these feelings that overcome him so easily would eventually take it all away.

The music got louder and he was sitting in the dark.

"I'm such a fool."

Here we go again

Today I was sitting on the tram going back to uni again.

I look back at what last year held and then I get excited to think about everything waiting

for me this year.

Also, the canadians are leaving. I'm sad that two of them are leaving.

But one is really annoying is leaving and I'm happy.

He is immature, bratty and frankly quite insulting.

His reasons for leaving are kind of funny.

"I've felt that i've gotten everything Melbourne has had to offer me (in 4 weeks) and that Sydney has much more to offer me, the people there are nicer anyway"

Yeah fair enough but just because I don't find you attractive in the slightest, doesn't mean no one else will in Melbourne.
He also quit a job he landed in a good cafe and then quit because he didn't like that he had to hold plates in a certain way. He basically needs to grow up and that he can't seem to do just yet.
He puts forth the image of maturity but inside he is just as insecure and ignorant as a lot of people. Don't try and be something you're not. It's stupid.

I'm honestly gonna miss the girls because they were super cool.

Oh well.

Also I love that all these new people in my course are really attractive because it gives me something to look at in lectures.

Aside from this, I have tae kwon do tomorrow and I'm happy to start that, not nervous at all which is good.

Like a deck of cards, only the fates know what is next.

Some day one day we will meet again,

We'll cross paths on the street and as they do,

our necks turn to one and other in unison and our eyes widen in disbelief.

In this funny world, the way it is, our paths will cross in the most obscure way,

to us obscure but to the fates entertaining.

Then for that time we tangle our paths and dance around like old times,

before realising that we're all grown up and life is about moving forward.

Goodbye for now friend, because for sure in the future we will meet again.

Valentines Day

This is me in 20 years on valentines day.
Single,
Fat,
Lonely.

Personally, I'm not a fan of valentines day as you can tell.

Right now I listen to:

Jamie O'niel - All by myself

If you feel like me, you should also listen to this song.
Self pity is fairly comforting after a while.

Death

So yesterday I was on the tram going into the city,

On a tram so very full of life. At first when I got on it seemed like any other day. Any other Saturday spent waiting for the tram in the sun. People gathered at the same stop. Wondered where the tram was. And there was always that one person walking onto the road to see if they could see the tram snaking up the road in the distance.
Let's jump forward 10 minutes and I have just jumped on the tram, sitting near a family from the country. They laugh and the kids look out the window in awe at places unfamiliar to them, at a denser kind of living, less open space and strangled nature in a concrete paradise. I'm lulling in and out of a siesta style nap.
"Mum can I sit in a different spot?"
"No, just stay there."
"Can I sit with Dad?"
"Okay Okay but be careful when the tram is moving." The mum kind of laughs.
Then as the son begins to walk toward the father, the daughter who was initially sitting opposite the mother moves to sit next to her.
"Don't worry Mummy I will keep you company."
I watch and smile because it's just so innocent. I remember doing these things as a child. Wanting to move around all the time, wanting to please one parent, get on someone's good side. Watching this gives me a giddy feeling of nostalgia inside.

The tram moves on and then more people fill the tram. Two young men sit behind me, one of them looks like Pete Doherty and the other one I can't remember, to be honest I can't be bothered turning around so I just listen.
"Man look at that building it looks like a fucken shed!"
"Haha yeaah and its a bloody med insitute now right?"
"yeah that'd be right, just like Docklands 'prestigious living' now...no more E-raves"
"Oh reminds me my bro is playing at Saint Jeromes festival opening act, its gonna go off, you going?"
"Nah man I couldn't get tickets...fuckin shattered!"
"Damn...."
The Saint Jeromes festival is a famed music festival in a lane way in the city off Lonsdale Street. It is always packed full of people, big acts and names in a small space. One day only.
For the rest of the time its a quiet alley bar where you can lounge during the day and write, draw, smoke, drink, sip, socialise and do whatever you want. Its for the perpetually poor students of today to sit without hassle. To sit and enjoy life without a waiter asking you if you would 'like anything else'.

Eventually we pass Lonsdale street. Three people get on and sit in the same booth as me. Just coming from the ticken machine, they begin discussing something about their metcards and why their 2-hour tickets expire at 3am (it's only 8:00 now). They are from France....no maybe Canada. It is kind of hard to pinpoint.
The guy leans over and taps my knee "Excuse me do you know why our ticket expires at 3am?"
I had already prepared and answer just listening to their conversation but I pretend to be thinking it over in my mind.
"Oh yeah so I think it's after 6pm when you buy a 2-hour ticket, because its post peak time, its kind of a value purchase and it just expires at 3am."
"Ohhhh I see!" says one of the girls half smiling.
"And how do we get to Federation Square from here?"
"When we get to the end of Elizabeth St just turn left in Flinders St, you will see it."
"Thanks!"
"That's Okay"
I really like helping people, its a good feeling. Because the worst feeling is when you need help and no one can give it to you. Even the smallest cry for help could be for a problem that someone can not tackle on their own.

The tram gets to the end of Elizabeth St and the guy asks me again to confirm which way to go. I point left as we all pour out of the tram and I begin walking in that direction myself.
As I walk onto the footpath I see police standing around something. One policemen kneels down and holds a hand in his own. Checking a pulse?
I crane my neck to see what is happening and there is a man lying on the ground. No longer concious. I see people around are stopping and whispering to one and other.
I have to wait for my friend on the corner so I move further away and try not to look.
As a minutes pass and I check my phone after recieving a message saying "I'm 5 minutes away"
I begin to look again.
I see an ambulance roll down the street and squeeze into the lane where the man lies.
Its sirens aren't on.
The people get out of the ambulance almost casually.
They open the back and pull out some kits and a bag.
The workers check the man and then the other one checks him. They consult one and other. then they begin wrapping him up.

For a moment my mind doesn't register.
Death.
This man is dead.
This man has died.
Right here.

My neck prickles.
I look at the body. Something seems different.
Something is gone.
I feel I don't know what to think.
I can't think.
I'm just looking as they wrap the man and put him in a bag.
The police cordon off the area and begin asking people questions.

My friend arrives also looking at whats going on. He taps me gently on the shoulder and we begin walking, so do many other people. As we walk down the street and toward the cafe. I realise that life goes on, no matter what. For all of us it continues until one by one we dissapear.

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a fickle friend don't you think?

At what point are we forgiving people because we genuinely forgive them,

or because it's easier to do so?

I really wonder sometimes.

Dexter

So I randomly purchased DEXTER yesterday. It was 24.98 for the first season and I felt like spending money to fill my emotional void.
It really worked.
What better way to fill and emotional void than with a show about a man who is devoid of emotion!


Also I've been doing a bit more writing these days and it's all good.

I've calmed my life down to a good point. I feel I'm in control again and I don't feel angry anymore.
I'm pretty glad I didn't have to go to rehab. I may have had some awkward bumping into moments.

You know the usuals....


The list could probably go on but yeah you all get my drift?
But you know what I'm not critical of these people.
Just because you're a celebrity it doesn't make you immune from anything.
We all look at them and judge them, but inside we know we've done some fucked up shit. We know it.
But of course we're gonna criticise them because we need to somehow indirectly criticise ourselves and pretend we're moderating our own behavior.

So it goes a little something like this.

Today while I was getting my 6 weekly wax I was thinking, gee this is so casually awkward.

Picture this:

Me lying on my back, legs up in the air to keep my skin taught, talking to my waxer about how kids probably aren't getting enough calcium these days.

I guess if we had a visual representation it may look like this:



So you're essentially just sitting there and some person who you have never met before , and who you probably won't see again is just talking to you about the most random thing.
As shown in the visual aid above we were discussing why kids keep breaking their bones so easily.
I suggested they just don't get enough calcium/milk.
Waxer hastily agreed.
We then talked about what we did for new years. our shared love for cooking and also any nice eateries we had been too as of late.

and you don't only get into missionary with legs up in the air- but also fetal position and sometimes on your knees.
I have heard that gym balls are incorporated in the waxing of the labia - but I'm not 100% about that because last time I checked I still had a penis.

And for those of you still not so cluey to who plays what role. In the above picture I would have been the blonde female.
Except I wasn't being penetrated by a penis which I had to censor out.
and I had my underwear on.
But eh that's not the point.

Next time or if you ever get waxed, picture yourself in this position. It will most likely happen.