Sometimes even when you have expected something,

you know how painful it's going to be,

but when it actually comes -

you can't quite comprehend the pain.

A sick feeling, then a cold wash, my skin prickles and I can hear my own heartbeat in my ear as it thumps furiously in my chest. It doesn't stop, and whatever it was that I had keeping me going is all but gone.

What now?

Is it possible to be so miserable and happy at the same time?

Apparently so.

With that said I think I'm seeing a light at the end of this tunnel - I really hope it is anyway.

Maybe it's just my eyes playing tricks on me.

Who knows really.

I just don't know if I can hold myself together much longer.

Looking at everything that's happened - it's comical, practically a joke. If it wasn't me and I'd heard about me I'd just laugh because I'd think - oh wow you're a great fool. I had such a decent harmony with myself and it's as if I have aimed to destroy it. It is as if I have tried to create pain in my life so it reins over the happiness that was growing.

I'd like to think I can try my best this time to not let it happen.

It rips me apart inside because I just like you so much,

so I really don't know if I will be successful,

because I not only have to stop myself - but I have to stop you,

I have to stop two people. Am I enough to do that?

Sometimes I wish I could forget everything.

I really do.

I'd just sit down on a park bench and feed the birds, so amused by their hustle and bustle.

That's it.

Wouldn't it be nice?

I'm so morally wrong right now.

But I love you so much that I will be

selfish and keep you as long as I can.

I really need to make this mistake.

Thanks.

I know you need to as well.

Life

Let us celebrate that which is doomed to fade.

Let us cherish that which is fragile and impermanent.

Look to the beauty of the ephemeral and transitory -

and savour the passing of time.

Creased out

So after the non reply I calmed down for a while.

Thinking oh yeah whatever, another cunt, another day.

But then on Thursday when I went out to IQ,

I was having a good time, dancing the night away.

Then the NONREPLIER appeared.

At first, I was fairly unfazed.

Then as I was leaving, I bumped into NON REPLIER

and I got this face:

Yeah it was AWESOME.

I had that awesome stabby-pain-in-the-stomach-pain

you tend to get when you have the

utter feeling of rejection wash over

you.

In a fit of rage I went home (as planned).

THEN the next day,

I thought to myself, FUCK YOU

I'm going to be a dick an message you

and tell you exactly what I think

of your behaviour

but I will do it in such a way

it makes me look more mature

and you look like a child.

SO I did.

And NONREPLIER

REPLIED!

And was completely apologetic about the whole situation that was bubbling away since last week.

Basically asked for my forgiveness and told me why (didn't want to hurt my feelings)

and then yeah so after that said "look i'd like to be friends if you like"

and you know what - sure. I'll forgive.

and I was interested. NOT obsessed (but kind of)

like I can go either way when im interested in someone.

So I'm going down the friends path with this one.

But I'm happy with that.

and I'm happy I didn't bottle my emotions up

- confrontation can be good. :)

Dignify me with a fucking response!

I went on my first date in ages.

It goes okay

BUT where is the problem you may ask?

Well when I sent a message afterwards saying "hey thanks for the coffee. would you like to hang out again sometime?"

NO response

like nothing.

Sure i'd be disappointed with a no - but its better than nothing at all.

It wasnt like i sent it immediately afterwards either, it was like 2 or 3 hours later.

Whatever. Looks like i'll have fun awkwardly bumping into you, because we both go to RMIT

Glorious new years eve

So last night was a great new years eve.

Possibly the most fun I have had in a few years.

Nothing of course tops the first time sneaking out with Ni and Azza, but that's a golden memory.

Anyway so went to Tan's place and Vin and his house mates came, there were also two other girls.

It rained like a bitch getting to the club but it was fun running through the rain.

I felt that this rain was cleaning me of 2009 before I emerged for 2010 fresh.

2009 for me has been fine, but also it was quite stagnant for the first 6 months. I took alot of time thinking, I did alot of nothing. But you know what it's all part of the process.

Now I'm roaring.

So I got into the club, 30 mins before midnight and the music was good, there were lots of people but not too many. The others were room hopping and doing shots for a while and I decided not to drink so I just danced by myself sometimes. which was not bad, usually i'm really paranoid people will think im the guy who is dancing alot - but eh fuck the haters, I can dance by myself if I want to and you can all get fucked if you want to judge because I'm probably judging you right back.

Bad Romance was the first song I heard and danced to for 2010 and it was perfect. It was telling of my romantic experience so far - but I think change is coming.

I saw a mysterious stranger who caught my eye.

we smiled briefly and the night went on.

I saw people I knew and some surprises - a guy from a uni and one of my dad's co workers. We all had a good chat.

One of the things I'm working on about myself is the aura or impression I give off. I have been told many times that I give off an unapproachable, angry, upset aura. So I'm working on it.

Last night I smiled when people looked my way. I tried smiling with my eyes. I think it worked because I talked to more people than I had at a club in a long time. I'm also told I'm a nice person but then no one really knows what anyone is like until they meet them and talk. So I feel I need to give a better first impression.

The night continued and I danced and chatted with friends. It was good to be at a club with Jerome again because it reminded me of the thursdays from years ago. Good old dancing and chats.

I saw the plastics at this club. I pretty much only talk to Stephen because he's always been nice to me. But when I said a polite hello to the others, one of them gave me the "omg he's talking to me?" kind of look. And usually it would wreck my night. But I thought you know what? Fuck you, because you're all disgusting and you have no futures. I'm going places.

They're all tragic and so influenced by one and another. Ah well fuck those haters! I'm hotter than you all, and guess who I'm deleting off facebook after this post.

Anyway the climax of my night was when the mysterious stranger found me in the RnB room and came to me, we danced, grinded slowly and our faces came together, our lips barely touching and slightly pressing against one and other were still in amongst a room of people contorting awesomely. The brilliant new years kiss was finally mine and it was GLORIOUS!

Happy New Year!