I was so busy being fat that I forgot to invite you! Woops!

Okay so last week a certain individual IM'd me on facebook:

HIM: "Hey how's it going? Thanks for adding me!"

ME: Yeah no problem haha long time coming?

HIM: Yeah I know...hey are you free saturday night?

ME: Yep so far i've got no plans, why?

HIM: We're gonna have a surprise party for ***, wanna come? I need to get numbers.

ME: Yeah sure ill come along, what's the go?

HIM: I dunno yet, i'll send you the details, whats ur number?

ME: ***********

HIM: Sweet I'll message you the details quick smart.

ENDDDDDD


So then I was like okay cool - but this was on monday - and of course christmas came by and I kind of forgot about it - I didn't get any details so it slipped my mind.
Then last night I'm getting messages from people asking if i'm going to this dinner.
meanwhile I'd already made other plans because I never got the details.
anyway I'm thinking gee what's going on here? How come I was the only person not to be invited to this dinner.
Seeing as some of the people who went haven't known the organiser as long as I have.
Like eh whatever.

But then I thought about it - and it just seems really under handed and sneaky to me.
I get the feeling he wanted me to call up and ask him for the details so it seemed like I was desperate.
But you know what - fuck you, I don't need your stupid pity.
Recently I have realised that this whole group are just a bunch of fakes and I honestly am really sick of it.
Sure every week I get asked to come out to the same place with the same group but I just think I've been going along because.
It's so stupid.
I know they probably don't even like me and I honestly don't like half of them because they're all a bunch of empty, shallow people.
Sure there are a few who are okay in that group - but most of them make me sick.


Yeah and they're all a bunch of fucking drug addicts and they look like this one up here ^

But they think they look like this:

Which eh- In my opinion ain't much better.
But oh well if that's what you're going for.

Well new years resolution I guess.

This is a first.

Sorry more of a venting rather than an interesting entry but oh well what can you do.

Your layby comes to $60.00 and with a $2.50 service fee that comes up to $62.50, the minimum deposit is $6.00

Hello post christmas sales!

Goodbye dignity!

Hello feral customers!

So today I worked the boxing day sales.

I think that's all I need to say - but unfortunately I will talk in detail about the customers I experienced today - and the customers who experienced me.

Lady 1#

Someone told her she could order something - but it turns out she couldnt because there was absolutely no stock left anyway - indefinately. So when I explain to her that the person who told her had simply made a mistake and I was very sorry, this is what happened:
"But this is customer service!"
"I understand your frustration but no amount of customer service will make your 5-1 swing set appear out of nowhere when it doesn't physically exist."
"Look, I want my FUCKING swing set! I'm a customer!"
The customer commences to throw things and knock pens of the table.

Just so you all know - no amount of throwing pens, yelling, swearing or crying will make items magically appear.


Just so you know - That is what the customer looked like when she got angry and unleashed her inner form.
But she didn't have the ball (too bad for her)

Guy 1 #

"I want free home delivery!"

"Yes im well thank you, How can I help you today?"

"I want free home deliver with this."

*takes reciept*
"Okay - and where abouts do you live? Because our policy states that you need to be within a 20km radius to be eligible for home delivery."

"I'm in sunbury"

"Oh I'm sorry but you'll have to pay a 30 dollar fee - because it's outside the zone."

"NO! That's descrimination! It's the law you have to give it to me?"

"You didn't have to live to far away?"

"Don't you tell me where to live!"

"Okay, well you can't have free delivery."

"I want to talk to a manager!"

*manager comes - rolls eyes - gives customer free deliver*
"Hehe it's christmas just this once!" says manager.

Yes, just this once? Boo whore don't give me that!
Stick to your stupid policy!
It is so demeaning to have the customers look at you with that glint in their eye.
Makes me wanna grab my pen and stab them.

The whole universe is willing us to stay together despite the things fate may serve out to us.

1 and a half years ago I purchased this lovely bag from Roger David.
At the wonderful price of $59.95 it seemed appropriate.

I put my books inside you,
drinks in you,
clothes in you,
shoes jammed in,
groceries bursting out,
food put delicately in,
presents cleverly hidden in your canvas-ish folds.

You have witnessed fights with lovers,
you have seen me make love,
you have seen me undress,
you have seen me cry,
but you haven't seen me die.

Anyway, after about 7 months together - we decided to fly up very high into the sky,
cross the ocean and venture into the land of the rising sun.
In this land you had garments of a different kind put in you,
different food,
different smells,
different places
and faces.

Back home we had a smooth run - but we left one university and jumped to another.
It was during the first semester here while studying with a friend in the Starbucks of Swanston st (not Manhattan) that someone took you from me as you sat below me.

She looked a little something like this:


So I ran down the street and found you 30 minutes later dumped on the ground with all your insides pulled out.
The funny thing was, that even though I lost some valuable university text books that night, I was still really relieved that I found you again.

After this incident I realised how fortunate I still was to have you.
Of all the places I had been, you were still there. Somehow.

It has been smooth sailing, until Saturday at 3:30am in the morning when I orally ejaculated all over you and had to put you in the wash.
I took you out and dried you.
But then I looked at you,
and for the first time I saw the hole near the zip,
the part of lining wearing away,
your fading colour,
and I realised it was time,
time for a new bag,
because now you can rest and come out on light trips with me,
because I know you can't take much more.

I will always love you Roger David Bag <3

And then he threw up all over his car

Last night was the first time I had consumed that much alcohol in a VERY long time.

At the start of the party I was slightly composed sociable and just your average party goer.
After frequenting the alcoholic beverage table I realised that I had become louder like everyone else at the party and we were all well onto the path of rampant drunkenness.
We danced around and some random japanese girl kept telling everyone she was a bad girl - she wore a slutty santa costume. Think jingle bell rock in mean girls.
My ex was there - so by the time EX has arrived I was like pffft.

Then I started getting quite dizzy. As I was hurried home by my friend, he drove me in his smallish car that was of such a size that one could physically feel the turns and bumps.
As you can imagine this was doing wonders for the eclectic mix of Vodka, Orange Juice, Pineapple Juice, Doritos, Marshmallows and some random fish and vegetables from dinner earlier.
So as the car bumped around and the mix of ingredients in my stomach went from harmless to hazardous, I got that feeling.
We pulled into my street and oh oh oh too late!



All I said was my friends name to give him enough notice to look at me as a webby kind of vomit came out of my mouth onto my jacket (tear) and onto my bag (oh well im getting a new one for christmas, but we had some good times together) and my pants and just a bit on the car door.
It was awful but it felt so good.
In the words of our friend Katie Perry - I kissed a girl and I liked it - It felt so wrong it felt so right.
My take on the song would be - I spewed on myself and I liked it - It felt so wrong it felt so right.

So now following morning I feel like some random binge drinking bogan and I want to eat but I really can't on account of I might make another mess.



On the upside though - I threw up all that crap I ate last night (bar the fish and vegetables which was LOVELY) so I wont be putting on any weight ~ woo for me.

Have a tissue bitch

Recently I have decided to implement a half and hour waiting policy for people who decide not to turn up on time and not give any warning.

It has been working well - however recently a certain friend, seems to have become angry at me because I left without telling them.
By the way this is why I walked off - He says "Hey we're having a movie night - I will pick you up at 10 outside QV."
So 10 pm I am there on the corner, in the cold - waiting. I call and the conversation is as follows:

"Hey I'm here just on the corner."
"Okay I'll be there in 5 minutes."

During my 5 minute wait I spiralled down into the decent of emotional eating which looked a little something like this:



30 minute and some food later.
No sms.
No call.

So I just left.
Got on the tram and was well on my way home.

Then at 10:45 I get a call.

"Hey I'm here I can't see you."
"Im on the tram, I'm going home."
"Ah why? Is it because im late"
"Yes. I got sick of standing in the cold"
"Oh I'm really sorry."
"Meh thats okay, enjoy your movie night."

End of conversation!

and possible end of peachy friendship it seems?

So usually we'd been hanging out a few times a week, then after that nothing.
No calls, no msn, no txts - zilch!
Today I call him because we are going to the same party so I asked if he wanted me to buy alcohol for tonight and I can tell you that the conversation was just as awkward as walking in on your parents having sex.
This friend was awfully one worded and very distant with me.
and I'm thinking gee it better not be because after waiting for 30 minutes then leaving - you cracked the shits.
Well if you did then too bad.
But you should have at least sent me a text saying you were going to be late - then I could have waited somewhere warm.
Because it isn't so easy to stop in that area of course I was gonna wait on the corner - especially if you were going to come in 'five minutes'.



Pfft whatever.
I only wait for 30 minutes without people telling me because it empowers me, and of course I want to give people the benefit of the doubt - something may have happened and that is COMPLETELY understandable.

Have a nice day.

Yes I slept with your wife and yes I'm pregnant.

So I've been having these recurring dreams. Two in fact.

The first one goes something like this:

I'm sitting on the state library lawn and it's a sunny day. The clouds are floating in the air like cotton wool and the sky is a brilliant blue. For some odd reason the grass is super healthy looking - which is not so typical for Melbourne because of the perpetual drought.
Anyway so I'm sitting next to no one in particular but there are many people around me.
Then suddenly there is some kind of flash and the sky has turned red, it's windy, I can hear the crackling sound of fire and the grass is dead. As I turn to my left I see the person sitting next to me has become a skeleton (along with everyone else) and the skeleton looks toward me and holds up a wine glass filled and holds it up in cheers.
Then I wake up.

Eh I dunno but it's freaking weird if you ask me. It gives me a really terrible feeling after I have this dream.

The second dream involves me walking through a shopping center that is like GPO but it's more like a maze and so many more cafes.
So I'm wondering around and I stumble into this room that this red headed girl is sitting in. She kind of looks like Alice from Australia's Next Top Model - except not so skinny.Now this girl appears in quite a few of my dreams and keeps telling me that I don't understand(???). But she says it in the nicest possible way.
For a bit of a back track - she appeared in a dream I had in Year 11. It was a dream that I was in Japan with Rob and we were hanging out in Tokyo presumably. It turns out that 2 years later when I went to Tokyo - one of the streets in Shibuya that I went to was one I had been to in my dream. But she was there - and she stood out. Obviously.

Anyway yes so those are my interesting dreams - maybe I will dream one of them again tonight. Hopefully not the first one because I don't particularly like that.

Boo to that!